Last week, Little Miss Pushing Five had a lot to say for herself. The following is an excerpt from a conversation between her and the little sister:
"Who's your favourite grown up? Mine is Daddy. He's my favourite grown-up."
And then on a day when they were both home with me:
"Mom, I don't like days with you. I like days with Daddy. He's my best Dad."
None of this is a shock. She's just never verbalised her dislike for me so clearly. In all honesty, I have never felt the connection with my first born that other people seem to have with their children. From the time she was a baby, it felt like she wasn't mine, like she belonged to someone else. I thought it might have somthing to do with the fact that she is the spitting image of her father--which is great because I like him and think he's pretty cute--but maybe it would take me awhile to feel close to her because she looked nothing like me. But time went on, and still I never felt that bond that I was waiting for. When her sister was born, I felt a much stronger connection from birth, but I chalked it up to being a second time mother and not having that deer-in-headlights thing that some new moms have about them.
Don't read this the wrong way though, I do love the kid. I love the kid like crazy. We were together 24/7 until it was time for her to start school. I panic when she is ill, I cry when her feelings are hurt, I make sure she eats her vegetables, has clean comfy clothes, a warm bed and lots of toys. When she is hurt, it's usually me she comes running to for comfort and a Bandaid. I tell her I love her all the time, to the point where she tells me to stop telling her because she already knows and won't forget.
And it's great that she is Daddy's girl, because every little girl deserves that. But the cold hard truth is, I've been a shit mom, and she's trying to let me know that in her perfect little girl way. I only hope I can go up from here, be a better mom, better person. The yelling has to go, the impatience, the irritation, the moodiness. I can give her a better legacy than teaching her how to be a shit mom and a weak woman. Because she's watching me, she's made that clear, and she is taking in everything I do.
And I want to be her best Mom.
Jeeze, don't know you at all, just got a link via Liz Tilbrook. Just wanted to send you some support
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself Motherhood is tough all round and our children are our harshest critics. The mother/daughter relationship is always a testing one. Maybe you need to stop trying so hard and just let your relationship 'be' and give yourself a break. You know how the F word loses its power when it's used all the time? Perhaps for her it's the same when you tell her you love her all the time, maybe for her it's just becoming a sound rather than a feeling.Maybe reduce the amount of time you're using it so when you do use it , it's more powerful.
I love your honesty but don't put yourself down. You are an excellent mum, start believing in yourself and stop giving yourself a guilt trip. We all have different relationships with our children as they are all individuals and you can't have the same relationship with different people.
I hope you have some good girlfriends around you. Keep strong
Kind regards
Louisa
Thanks for the support Louisa, and I agree on the complexities of the mother/daughter dynamic. I am hoping that writing about these things will help me gain some perspective on a more regular basis! Still hard to consider myself a good mother--I need to work on changing that self talk. Hearing other womens' views on motherhood is also very cathartic, so thank you for sharing!
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