Fat Jean Genes

The fat jeans I bought last winter are too tight.  I've been telling myself for months that I am going to lose the almost-thirty pounds I've gained since my bright idea to move to Canada (it must be Canada's fault I can't stop eating, right?)  I lose five pounds, gain eight, lose eight gain ten.  I have barely managed to do the "right thing" for more than a week.  I am officially overweight.  Again.

When I lost thirty pounds after baby number two, it seemed pretty effortless.  I joined Weight Watchers and it really worked for me--tracking my food online, trying new recipes, being able to eat "regular" food to lose weight.  And hitting the gym three times a week helped burn up the fat and give me some great muscle tone, and stablized the old mood swings.  I was looking awesome, and it didn't seem too difficult.  Sure, some days I slipped up a bit with some birthday cake or a lolly, but I got right back on the wagon and reached my weight loss goal.

And I felt awesome!  When I am thin, I look like how I feel.  When I am fat, I feel trapped in someone else's body.  But it's not someone else.  It's me.  Funny though, as I have been chubby or overweight more than I have been fit and trim. 

It's not like I don't know what to do--nutrition, portion control, exercise, weight training--I know what to do.  I've done it before, many times before, with relative ease.  For the most part, I have always lost weight in a very healthy way, eating right and exercising regularly, not following a "diet" per se, but changing my lifestyle.  But this whole year has been an endless binge.  I've never been this out of control for so long.  It's a miracle I haven't gained more weight.  Where is that internal switch that puts me "in the zone" and more importantly, how do I keep it switched on, forever?

So the debate I am having with myself now--do I accept myself as I am and buy some clothes that actually fit so maybe I will feel better, or do I keep struggling to get back on the wagon and fit into the nice clothes I already have?